11 May May The Force Be With You

May, the month my name was derived from… birthday month!

As I turn a year older, I acknowledge the strong assertive woman I have grown into, a woman who is not afraid to use her voice and stick to her guns…even when alone…especially when alone. I have also grown into my femininity to know I can be fragile like a bomb but not an egg, I can be soft and gentle but still firm, and I need not raise my voice or throw hands to make a point but play a game of chess…Nah, don’t call it manipulation, lol. I was not that woman, I was definitely not that girl. All I had known to be was a broken soul. I will always still be but that’s the beauty of growth…healing and uplifting the light. For yin and yang to be, both sides exist. Make it even better by tilting the scale so your light shines more. That’s what I strive for.

This birthday is also very emotional for me, 2 years ago, I was a shattered woman. Totally and completely broken. Hopeless even. As seen in picture A, that was the room my daughters and I called the living room. The entire house was no different, we slept on a mattress on the floor. Not a single piece of furniture. I look at those pictures now and weep. I had walked away from my marriage and got cut off by society, I lost it all in one fell swoop. Everything. I did not receive any form of support from anyone at that point either, I was a complete mess.

The second picture is of my current living room. I am proud of our current space, I worked hard at saving money for what we have and picked out every piece. We have furniture now. My daughters have a couch to jump on, they have a table to eat their meals on, and we have a big ass bed. Things taken for granted every day, we do not. I do not take my journey and growth for granted either, I made it out alive when others have not. It’s a conscious choice I constantly make when you see me laughing and giggling haphazardly. I have cried myself inside out and do not want to ever go back, dry racking sobs, silent wailing, and complete numbness. No, I choose joy. I choose life. I choose peace. I choose love. I choose me. I choose my children. I choose God.

The wall painting, I had it commissioned, represents my world. The elephant is my tribe’s clan totem; it is also a proud matriarch, empathetic, emotional, intelligent et al. The calves (on the canvas), varying ages. My youngest is a “Mom * infinity” child and is always near me. My eldest is independent and accepting of herself/proud. It’s just Mama Elephant and her two calves out in the dusk, and it’s peaceful. Sunsets mean the sun will shine, and it always does. Do you see what I wanted to be imprinted on canvas or did you think I just like Elephants? Hehe