25 Jun The Mind is a Scary Being

I made an ‘accidental’ discovery…I have Anxiety Disorder. Sigh. I have always been an over-thinker, I have a very active imagination and sometimes it works against me. I read a lot, I retain a lot of conversations and my memory is vivid to a scary point…I will remember what someone wore or the scent during the time something is said. Numerous songs also carry memories that I sometimes do not listen to because nope, not going to actively remember the memory that piggybacks on that. My.Mind.Is.Never.At.Rest! I don’t know what that is, I am always thinking or relieving something. It gets frustrating trying to sleep when something’s bugging me, hence my insomniac trait.

The more I come into terms with everything that has happened in my life while healing through them, the more I realize just how many mental disorders I carry. Man, my neck totes around a thriving city. I thought this is how everyone is but the more I interact with others, the more I realize just how much different my little introverted self is. I tried explaining to a friend how my mind sometimes is or works, it’s a whole storied office with metal cabinets lining the walls and the island. They are all neatly labeled and arranged. At any one time, there are several open cabinet doors because they represent an unresolved issue. It can be a minor thing like cooking that went sideways to the major ones. They obstinately refuse to shut until they have been fully dealt with.

Quoting Brain Facts, “…However, things can get serious when the stress response gets triggered too many times. This threat is known as toxic stress. It is strong, frequent, and prolonged for a long period. The root of toxic stress can be numerous things, such as abuse, neglect, or violence. This type of stress will physically affect the brain, leaving certain parts rewired and changed. Toxic stress disrupts the development of brain structure and other organ systems, and it can even increase the risk for stress-related disease well into the adult years. The worse the experience in childhood, the greater the effects will be in adulthood. Toxic stress causes permanent damage to the brain, focusing on the amygdala, prefrontal cortex, and the anterior cingulate cortex (aka the ACC). The amygdala, also known as the fear center, detects dangerous things in the surrounding area and tells the body to act. But it can become overactivated due to toxic stress. In other words, your amygdala is always telling your body that you are in danger, resulting in chronic stress, where one feels unsafe, fearful, and irritated. Furthermore, victims will often overreact to minor triggers because trauma sensitizes one’s amygdala, meaning that fear responses are triggered by lower levels of stress.”

Yeah… Whatever happens in childhood sets the pace for adulthood. If you’ve been watching my YouTube stories or read my previous blog posts, you’ll notice I have mentioned some of the abuse I went through. That’s what adults or parents usually seem to forget or are ignorant of, it doesn’t end in childhood. Neglect, abandonment, rejection, physical/sexual/emotional/psychological abuse, all and any kind of abuse usually collects the bill…and they are always due. We carry these scars into our adulthood and when we crack open the abyss to deal with them because we want better for ourselves and our children…it rears its ugly head. We pay for it throughout our lifetime. We are all broken, some, more than others. Handle children with gentleness, patience, and empathy. Protect children from any harm. Be fully present and shield them from your brokenness. Be better humans, there’s enough out here as is.

Image source: https://www.freepik.com/free-photo/stacked-zen-stones-sand-background-art-balance-concept_17223952.htm