29 Oct Matters… Heart!

I giggled. When I was first presented with an official document to fill out my details. I giggled when I had to fill out my marital status. I was torn whether to point out I am divorced or single. Yes, I am divorced, it was finalized early this year after a 6-month wait. Divorce is such a finality, a closure of sorts. I welcomed it, and I was happy. FINALLY! It was a stark contrast to my wedding day, I was miserable. My soon-to-be newly minted husband made a hand gesture at me in the church office filled with his relatives and none of mine. I said my vows with a tremor in my voice and everyone assumed it was nerves, instead, I was angry. Was that how to start a marital union? Showing your bride disregard and disrespect in public without care? I was so angry. And sad. I cried on my way to the reception and spent most of the day with my daughter, detached from everyone else. I eventually left the venue and had an early night as everyone (together with my then-spouse) partied away.

For the forms, I chose single. Because I am a single woman. I am a single mom. I am a single entity. No one can claim me and claim their traditions or culture over me. I do not claim anyone. I am a single woman and have been, going on year 4 now. I love it here. Whenever I lose sleep at night, it is because of a great book, an awesome series, or thoughts plaguing my mind that do not involve a man. This could be why I have not truly given relationships a chance. I would like to but when you’ve known turmoil and then found peace by yourself, you become loathe to give it up. Healthy relationships are hard put to find and I will not give up my peace to “work things out” or “help heal/grow someone”. I am putting in work to heal and better myself so that I walk into something binding as a healthy individual. I am working on my trauma and toxicity. The other party needs to put in his work too. This stranger’s path and mine will converge at some point in our healing as the universe sees fit.

The first two years, I did not date, over the last year is when I threw down the gauntlet and joined the dating scene. Man, oh, man. How do you all do it? It is exhausting! It is also a different ball game dating while being a protector. I do not introduce my dates to my children, only my future partner will get to know them further into the relationship. That is a clause I will not break. I thoroughly enjoy the talking stage, it’s beautiful. This is also where many get cut off, hehe, because I inquire about whomever I’m talking to, to some of my girlfriends and relatives. Some men lie through their teeth, why do you have to do that? It’s aggravating. Talking with someone also clues you in on if you can work with someone through their mindset and thought process. Online dating has not worked out for me unless I have not looked in the ‘right spots.’ Dating is hectic, plain, and simple.

It made me see the sense of arranged marriages. You get to spend your years getting to know and form an attachment with your significant other with the mentality of making it work as if that is your chosen ‘one and only.’ I have read about successful arranged marriages and that’s where my focus is, not on the disastrous ones. Yin and Yang everywhere. Good and bad. It’s the good that’s in reference. I believe I would be ok with an arranged marriage if he held all the values I require. I would hire a private investigator to dig up all the skeletons in the entire family though. I am not walking into another situation with humans in it like the last. I will be armed and prepared. I will also have the choice to consent or reject it. I get to decide.

In the meantime, let me continue shutting myself off from the public with the hope that he will fall from the heavens and knock on my front door. Lol. Stranger things have happened…