28 Sep Oh, The life and times of an African Single Mom

This is my second turn at this single mom rodeo. One should have been enough, right? Yeah, tell that to the universe. We exist. Second, third, fourth-time single moms. Society likes to tag that label with all the niceties bequeathed a dirty wet blanket. Why are you mad? Why does the mention of a single mom bring such thoughts sprinkled with colorful negative adjectives your way? Do you honestly believe we woke up one day and decided to be one for the fun of it? Why are all these men who walk away from responsibilities not treated with the same regard especially as most of them are deadbeat ‘fathers’? Does sporting a phallus and testosterone exempt one from facing said judgment? In that case, hold our beer, my fellow single moms and I have got to order them in. Be right back.

From the age of 9 years, I grew up without my dad fully in the picture. As a child, I promised myself that my children would have a present father. Poor child. Little did I know it doesn’t always work out that way. What I so badly wanted for my children was not what my co-parents wanted for their children. They did not want it as badly as I did. The first grew up with his father in the picture and cannot relate with his child on how his absence affects her. The second did not grow up with his father physically present but neither does he want better for his daughter. In both instances, grown men who go about their day-to-day aware of their absenteeism and lack of support yet not doing much for their kin.

It’s the single mom’s fault.

Could you just shut up! Your ignorance and, dare I say it, stupidity, is showing if you are part of the gang that likes to throw this around. Have you walked 10 paces in her shoes to find out the exact situation in her children’s lives? Have you? Assumption is the lowest form of knowledge just so you know. Granted, some individuals have muddied this water, does that mean that we should be grouped as one? The same grace society gives men and does not lump them all as ‘ain’t shit’, should be the same grace bestowed on single moms. We are out here trying our best in an unforgiving world to better our lives and that of our children. We have multiple roles thrust at us without the benefit of downtime. All we are doing is tirelessly holding on for a better tomorrow. We can’t catch a break, we can’t breathe!

For most single moms to be tough, hardened, it is because we have had to pick up the slack dropped off by the other parent. We are now protectors of our children, we are providers, we are mediators… all the roles traditionally meant for fathers. It’s no wonder we are tough. But don’t get that twisted, we are still very much in touch with our femininity. We still crave love, we crave intimacy, we crave it all. Tough times have this feature where it forcefully brings out your inner compassion if you let it. We have been dragged down enough as is to get tangled up with an individual who will not build us spiritually, mentally, economically, and every other way. Sadly, this happens more often than not because of our compassion, hence the subsequent baby fathers. We eventually heal and learn from our choices.

I have been a single mom for 2 years now, yet to get into a committed relationship because I got on a healing path after I walked away from my marriage. I cannot pour from a depleted cup. That juggling act had me dropping the relationship ball because between working on accumulated trauma and PTSD, providing for my children, nurturing and caring for them while handling a special needs child has not been a walk in the park. Let us not get into how very little moral support I have received from people I expected. It was not guaranteed, of course, but it would have been great all the same. And so here I am, not putting any special effort on anyone who tries to ‘holla’ at me and seems interesting because I am not there yet. I realized I want the whole white picket fence/matching Christmas pajama set/family movie night…the whole shebang. Getting there is a bigger hurdle than anticipated.

Next time you want to bash a single mom who has not caused you any harm but simply because of misconceptions, take several minutes and think it through. We do not get it any easy, your words and thoughtless actions hurt us. Our hearts are not made of stone, we feel everything deeply and intensely. Be kind, if that seems to be a high task, then please be quiet. You do not know what tomorrow holds, today it might be me…tomorrow you. For the women, we can be each other’s worst enemy but be a true sister’s keeper. For the men, lucky ducks, you may never know what it truly means to be a single mom in our patriarchy-led society…but your daughter may. Your sister or even mother too. Anything is possible under the sun, the universe has been known to keep count and even out scores. It hits where you will hurt the most.

I acknowledge I have spoken in a general plural term, I only speak for those like me of like mind. My aim is not to impose my views and experiences on those who have not experienced what I/we have. Our experiences and realities vastly differ. Regardless, my plea does not, stay kind, please. You do not know the inner battles someone is going through, the wars raging in private. You would be surprised what women, mothers, go through. If I had all the wealth and all the land one person can humanly have, I would offer housing and income-generating projects for all the single moms because I know what it’s like to lack both yet have children to fend for.