17 Nov I do, Do I?

Today marks exactly two years since I walked out of my matrimonial home. It was not a decision that was reached flippantly, nor was it a spur of the moment. It was a necessary move. No woman ever wakes up and decides, “You know what, about time I walk out into the unforgiving society with nothing but my children to my name.” Yeah, no one. Marriage is beautiful, but only when it’s between the two of you who took vows working together towards a common progressive goal for the benefit of your family. Cue in turning it into a committee welcomed or otherwise… recipe for failure. Genesis 2:24, “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” God knew, His word is truth.

Sigh, but culture. Not for the culture, lol, but actual culture. Cultural practices. You would think that time and education open up people’s perspective towards life in general but the more things change, the more they remain the same. The African culture is largely still patriarchal, some of these practices may have made sense back then but now? Tsk, tsk. Women did not have much say back then and were not supposed to have any for that matter. Whatever your husband and the elder male population said was the rule. It became common practice the women population embraced and whole wholeheartedly practiced. This is why we have a large number of women from the previous generations still acting as patriarchy gatekeepers.

Now… in the era of any and every home electrical appliance available and women empowerment, why would you think you can spring that mess on a young woman who ‘has seen the light’ and get away with it? Infidelity, financial irresponsibility, emotional and verbal abuse, to top it off, constant disrespect, and domestic violence meted from in-laws. Our grandmothers and great-grandmothers may have silently endured and passed down these generational traumas but see, we are now woke. We will not endure and persevere. We will not be quiet about it because “You have to protect your house.” We will not promote lunacy at the expense of our sanity. We shall not protect abusers over our children’s well-being.

Proverbs 14:1 “The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down.” A common quote mentioned in weddings. And it is true. What no one mentions is that selfish erroneous choices from husbands affect the entire family and in most cases are the major factors to the tearing down of the said house. How can you build if one keeps knocking the bricks down? How can you save when one is wildly spending? How can you breathe when one is stifling you? Why lay all that responsibility on women? How is a single person solely responsible for the success of a two-thronged union? Have you ever seen a sturdy plow pulled by Oxen? They work in pairs, they work better and faster. There are single plows pulled by one Ox, the double Oxen plow on the other hand has never gone to work with one half missing. That is the exact visualization one gives when you continually claim that marriages only succeed when the wife is pulling in all the effort while the husband is not.

It.Does.Not.Work.Like.That!

Hold men accountable for their (in)actions! Why do they get the sympathy card because “His wife left him?” Society is so quick to blame the woman because she is the one who left meaning she is the one who broke the family unit/marriage. Honey, by the time a woman walks, that marriage had been dead for a while. She’s just tired of having to put up a front. In most instances, something considered minor is the one that always breaks the camel’s back. When a woman is fed up, she is fed up. We give very many chances, all at our expense, while men have their cake and eat it too. But when it is time, no one ever needs to be told it’s time to leave, you just do it. I accept some women are wild and cannot be tamed, they need someone to run wild with them… you’re just not it. Marriage should be a union one walks into logically after having found oneself. Your self-identity is very important. It stands between you and your sanity.

Fairy tales are so cute. If you’re a reader like me and went through high school stuffing your mind with Mills and Boon, you know how all those love stories can vividly spin a happy-go-lucky scenario that daydream translates to make-believe. Lo and behold, real life is a resounding slap in the face. Goodness. I am sure some members of the human force have been blessed to live this and I’m oh so envious and happy in equal measure. That must be beautiful. Savor it.

What our tear-stained relations, identified by the intricate patchwork of self-restoration through received trauma and PTSD, have given us is stories! Stories we shall tell! Stories our daughters will live to read and listen to while using them as point markers. Stories that will never die but give life in form of a survival guide. Stories that will remind us how far we have come and how far we are yet to go. Stories that give us a pat on the back for holding on through the shit storm. Stories that lay us bare but clothe us in ironclad strength. Stories that remind us not to go back to what broke us. Stories that remind us to remember our worth. Stories that killed and built us a new. Stories to tell for generations… Stories!!!

I have been called a foolish woman for ‘breaking’ my union and I smirked because what they do not know is my ‘failed’ marriage was a success. It had to fail for it to be a success because these past 2 years I have found me and bolstered that reality. If anything, I wish I had walked away earlier.