21 Apr Autism Month!

It’s Autism Month!! I have been in the Autism community for 9 years now. It has been both high highs and low lows. Never in between. I would not change it for anything because that means I may want my daughter different from whom she is. Granted, as her mother, I would wish she had it easier but vocalizing that I would wish better for her may construe it to seem like I do not accept her as she is. No. I fully accepted OUR diagnosis more than 7 years ago. I made a whole overhaul of my life to cater to her and her needs. I have been there for her; not just for her educational needs but I quit formal employment over 7 years ago to fully dedicate myself to guiding and being there emotionally and physically for her. The kinds of sacrifices I have made for my child will probably never get written down because she does not owe me any repayment. God sees and has and will continue to grant me grace and longevity, that’s all that has mattered. 

It has been smooth sailing living with her. I especially love her attention to detail. She and I have OCD (Obsessive Compulsion Disorder)- hers from her diagnosis, mine from trauma. She is neat and clean, I am too. If it was not for her little sister bringing much-needed chaos into our lives…we would not have known how to live with the outside world. That’s the beauty of raising two completely different personalities. Kemmy and I would hang out in complete peace and silence whenever we were consumed with our individual preferred past-time; I would read while she pored over her adult puzzle pieces. Bliss. Then came my youngest…the only extrovert in the bunch. She pulls us out of our shells and comfort zones. I have caught myself severally asking her to please stop talking for 5 minutes so Mama can have a mental break. Yes, I am getting around to raising a very talkative child in a previously quiet world.

Raising Kemmy made me grow into my masculine energy. I became her protector. I was a single mom from when she was 3 weeks in-utero. I single-handedly did everything for her to prepare for her arrival and did the same when she was born. Mama bear was awakened in me, it keeps growing stronger and more fierce as the years go by. I met my ex-husband when my daughter was 2 years old. She had a great run having a live-in father until she was 5 years old when I had to leave. When I left, the world was a whole lot different for me than when I was an unmarried single mom. It was harsh and cruel. I dug down deep to hold down the fort and raise my daughters through it. I eventually did…took me 3 years but I did. It completely changed me. Completely. It first broke me down into a million and one pieces until I wanted to end both my life and my children’s. Then when I rose from it, and it made me form such a thick callus against the world.

Being a provider, protector, defender, therapist, nurturer et al of my family has made me grow more into my masculine energy. I have been single four years in a row now. I meet my family’s financial needs, I am physically present for my daughters educational and extra-curricular needs, I am my family’s emotional stabilizer because I noticed whenever I am unhinged…we all are! This made me work on my mental wellness through a therapist. I am on top of all their needs and even plan for what they would need in whichever spectrum. I am it all in my daughters and my life, and I am unashamedly acing it. Meeting someone who can shoulder all these, and offer more, enough for me to submit to him has not happened yet. He has to be a mature, special and strong individual, in every aspect, as I am a truly stubborn woman who has not been afraid of being alone against the world.

And so, as much as some parents view it as a curse, Autism has brought forth a world of positive self awareness and acceptance in my household. I cannot wait to see what my daughter grows into…my bet is on a Mathematics Professor!