11 Dec A Season To Be Jolly… Mayhap

I have been meaning to talk about the bright side of Autism and how raising a child on the spectrum can be surprisingly joyful. I have been meaning to do that. And I will. Just not today. Today I had a panic attack, nothing new. I deal with anxiety and depressive disorders so it’s not something new, but today it tore at me. It’s December. My favorite month, yet here I am, depressed. I try and fake happiness to trick my mind into becoming it, sometimes, it’s not that easy. I have not been drinking alcohol, so I have not escaped it as I normally would. December is a reflective month for me, that’s what I’ve been doing, thinking about how this year has been and what I hope for my daughters and myself. I wish so much for us, so very much. Not just financially but holistically.

I am not where I envisioned myself to be, especially career-wise. I see my peers and some younger than I killing it out here, I do clap for them, but I always feel wistful. I wish I could do it all; go to school, get a great paying career opportunity, travel the world, and live out loud and carefree. But it can’t. Or rather, won’t. Not when my children are still, well, children. I am determined to be there physically. At all times as long as I am alive. I am determined to be their protector. I am their primary provider. I do everything in my power to give them what they need, it might not be the world, but it is my best. What I am doing is not a want or a need anymore, it is a compulsion…I have to safely navigate my children through this world keeping their innocence intact.  

With my eldest child, I will always be in her life. Her sibling might break away at some point and be independent, I fully accepted that I have a special needs child who will need me as an adult. It does not mean I have planned my life to stay on the back burner. I will pick up at some point when they are teenagers. No, I will most likely not be a parent who leaves her child to walk the world alone. It might be educative but I will always keep close tabs on them. I always see parents who ‘lease’ out their children to relatives due to different reasons. I no longer judge them, I am envious. That shows how at peace you are with that decision. It shows how much trust you still have in humanity. And it’s beautiful. I would not sleep. I would not eat. I would not ‘be’.

Parents who have to move to different countries have my utmost respect. I have been offered a chance to do that and it scared me. In all honesty, I cannot. I cannot leave my children. They have had so many so-called relation walk out on them that it would eat away at my soul if their only constant person also had to leave them. This would still fall under the abandonment category to them. It would kill me if they were sexually abused in my absence, it’s an active thought as no one shares my compulsion in watching over them. That’s a lifetime of trauma that I would have willingly signed up for them with my absence. They are my reason for living, hurting them that much will destroy me. And so this December, as I ruminate on all my girls and I have had to walk through this year…I am eternally grateful that we have each other, and that I have had the opportunity to be there for them despite and in spite weight I have had to carry.

As 2023 rolls in, for this introvert… I am excited about all the online opportunities to come. Naturally, lol. I hope to get out of my house more, even if it’s just to do my nails. I hope for more mother/daughter excursions with my daughters. I am looking forward to making functional friends. This dating scene, I could maybe take an actual chance at it. I hope to unpack more and heal healthily, that therapy shall work for me more. I hope that my mindset and perspective shall align for my greater good. My relationship with God and family, I wish for better. And in so doing, I hope the next December will find me happy and that it shall indeed be a Merry Christmas.