09 Jan 2023!

We made it over. Do people still do that, “New Year, New me” business? I do not believe that, change is a journey. I do not have resolutions either, rather, I have goals. I’ve been working on some since last year, some further than that, and some that I will commence this year and work on for years to come. In all, I am very excited about this year. December was not the same for me, two major occurrences happened that forced my change in mindset and perception. The week my siblings and I were planning to make our trip to visit our paternal grandparents, we received news that our grandfather had passed on. On Christmas morning, my house was almost burglarized. December ended like it started, with melancholy. This time a new level of fear was unlocked.

My paternal grandad was a great man, I deeply mourned his passing in private. I could not view his body because I did not want to taint the memory I had of him…Full of life and joy. As a child and teen whose life was chock full of trauma and various open rejection from relatives, when my parents separated at 9 years old, my grandad stood out. He always welcomed my siblings and I with unfettered joy, he always made us feel at home, Up until we were adults. He was also respectful to my Mom despite my father’s remarrying. No one had ever been that happy to see us, I always remember how he would laugh. He was our beautiful oasis in a desert full of being viewed as less than others and made to feel unworthy. How can someone forget that? He and my grandma laid out the foundation of what sort of grandparent I will be. Naming children after departed or living relatives has never been my cup of tea, but my first son will bear one of my Grandad’s names. He was a good man and it will be my honor to carry his name into the next generation.

At 1 AM Christmas morning, my neighbor called me. I belonged in the category of people who completely put their phone on silent because sleeping children. I was at my maternal grandmother’s place which is always a trigger and had not slept well for two nights. That third night was the first where I was asleep before midnight and so I didn’t see the call. My neighbor then called my mom who woke me up, if you know my Mom in a sticky situation, she can be an alarmist. She scared me more than what she said by how she said it. I remember sitting up in bed going cold, my grill door padlock had just been broken, and were it not for my wonderful neighbor and her family, the early morning would have ended disastrously for me. I am usually calm in an impossible situation and then break down later, maybe it has to do with the Incident Command Systems topic in the Disaster Management course I studied in college. Yes, everything usually adds up.

I woke up, dressed warmly, secured my children so they wouldn’t fall off the bed and a group of us drove to my house. This entire time, I was silent while my mom was audibly panicking, lol. We got there and sure enough, the padlock was missing, they took it with them. I wonder why. My house on the other hand was neat and intact as I had left it nearly a week ago. That is what made them comfortable to try and hit it, the holiday season and a house devoid of humans. Sitting duck. We left someone to house-sit and went back to my grandma’s. That was when the fear hit. I felt like my sense of security had been breached even though nothing was stolen. It felt like someone personally targeted me when truly they just wanted my household items. The security around my compound and grill door were updated and I got back to my house two days later. I have not been able to sleep through the night, I have an alarm every two hours so that nothing passes me by. My phone is now on vibrate. I leave security lights on through the night on every side of the house and I obsessively check the locks before going to bed.

Despite it all, I am strangely not scared. I acknowledge the fear but it has not consumed me. My grandad’s passing made me more appreciative of the gift of life. Melancholy has been my life partner for as long as I can remember and December made me reflect upon it all. I decided, if I cannot completely kick it then I will work with it. Yin and yang, perfect balance. Darkness had consumed me for a long time, and I made it my mission to push back some of it and let more light in. It is possible to be happy amidst the fog because I have been happy, but there can be more. I welcome all the light this New Year. I welcome it all. Happy New Year indeed!